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If I’m an asshole it means I like you: deciphering the emotionally unavailable


I don’t like to talk about my feelings. Even just typing that, admitting that I prefer to sweep my emotions under a rug, is enough to make me uncomfortable. I don’t like being put on the spot or getting too affectionate or sentimental. I can appreciate it from a distance, but when I’m right in the middle of it I sort of shut down. Or worse: those pesky cogs of my defense mechanism start spinning in my head and wake up my good old friend, Mr. Sarcasm.

The majority of the people I am currently friends with, at one point or another, were probably convinced that I didn’t like them at all. I’ll admit, this is partially due to my introversion and a severe case of RBF. But it’s also thanks to the fact that somewhere in my brain there are a few frayed wires that have me convinced that it is completely appropriate to show affection by mocking or insulting people.



Sometimes I really wish that everyone shared my second grade boy mentality and believed that pushing someone in a puddle is the best way to tell someone you like them. (This actually happened to me with my second grade crush. Except I made questionable fashion choices as a seven year old and instead of getting pushed in the mud, I got dragged in by the straps of my overalls. Oh, young love. We kissed once six years later. Yeah, I move slow, surprised?) Alas, once you reach adulthood apparently there are these things called words you’re supposed to use to express your feelings. But that’s never seemed like fun to me.

I think it’s fun to insist to my sister that her dog hates her, rather than tell her that I love her. Strange maybe, since at the end of the day that’s what really matters. I take a while to warm up to people, but new acquaintances can start off scared of me, I really don’t mind. If someone wants to get all bent out of shape over an off the cuff comment I made, they clearly have too much time on their hands. What’s important to me is that the people I have warmed up to know that I care about them. I’d like to think they do, but just in case, I did a few translations of some of my frequently used phrases…

Are you stupid? How do you not know that?: I’m sorry, I know you’re pretty smart. I just have a habit of getting lost in the Wikipedia forest and I forget that not everyone wastes as much time reading pointless shit online as I do.

Don’t say shit like that to me (often in response to a compliment or term of endearment of some sort): 1. When you say nice things to me I feel like I have to say something back, but I don’t want you to think that I said whatever I said because you said whatever you said and therefore I’m just going to get pretend mad at you so that we can change the subject. 2. Thank you for being so sweet, but I can’t handle you saying nice things about me yet because I’m already scared for the day when you won’t say them anymore.

I’m so happy that we won’t be spending any more time together: I’m really going to miss you.

I don’t want to talk about it: I one hundred percent do want to talk about it. If I didn’t want to talk about it, I would not have let the conversation get this far. I’ve probably drafted in my head exactly what I want to say about it a hundred times over, I just can’t say it yet.

I hate everyone: Mostly I just feel really awkward or uncomfortable. I don’t actually hate anyone; I don’t have time for that shit.

Nah, you can’t have any; I’m going to eat all this food by myself: This time I’m actually not being sarcastic. Don’t touch my fucking food.


No one cares: 1. I probably care at least a little bit. 2. Someone might care, but that someone is not me. 3. Can I talk about my thing now?

Nobody even likes you: I think you’re really cool and we should probably hang out more.

You asshole/cocksucker/cunt bucket/dicklet/dirty whore: Fuck, you’re awesome. I’m jealous of your awesomeness.

Yikes, that’s unfortunate: You’re in a really sad and shitty situation and I feel terrible about it and I don’t know what to do to make you feel better and maybe I should hug you or hold your hand or something but I think that would just make everyone uncomfortable so I’m just going to use a funny word like yikes to distract you and say it sucks because that’s what I know is true.


In all honesty I have been making a conscious effort lately to say what I mean and mean what I say, but I’m not going to change over night. Or ever maybe, being a better person is hard. It’s not that the positive stuff isn’t there. It’s there and it’s genuine, I just like holding on to it. And the other stuff is all in fun (try it, you’ll see). I promise. I mean, do you really think that I’d call someone a cunt bucket to their face if I thought they in any way resembled a bucket of cunts? No, of course not, but it just spews out like, well, word vomit. Or actual vomit.



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This entry was posted on January 31, 2014 by in Life? and tagged , , , .

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